


Impunity and Inebriation

by Enide_Dear



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: FFXV meets Jean Austen, M/M, and british tv series apparently, but they do have a lot of alcohol, don't let iggy drink and watch them, gladio will never be the same again, they have neither sense nor sensibilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 08:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11144442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enide_Dear/pseuds/Enide_Dear
Summary: Ignis can be very British, very melodramatic, very drunk and very very dangerous and poor Gladio is forced to endure all of that in one single evening.





	Impunity and Inebriation

   
   
Gladio did not sneak into the house he shared with his most beloved and cherished husband and the two Gods-awful spoiled and noisy little brats that lived there on sufferance, aka his Highness the Crown Prince of Lucis and his best friend.   
   
No, he didn’t sneak. Sneaking implied that he had done something wrong such as stay out drinking with the Kingsglaive for at least three hours longer than he had told Ignis he would, and that he was ashamed of it. Which he wasn’t. Because he hadn’t done it. Right.   
   
So sneaking was right out, and not just because it was difficult to manage when you had just managed to drink Cor the Immortal – by now Cor the Intoxicated - under the table in an attempt to defend the honor of Luciis, its King and Prince and Wall and general being, and also when you were built like a fucking tank.   
   
Gladio shuffled into the kitchen in the search of a potion, flicked on the light and let out a manly roar that in no way sounded like the scream of a little boy whose balls had yet to drop.   
   
Ignis, his most beloved, cherished, and absolutely intimidating husband was sitting by the kitchen table, a small glass and a significantly larger bottle next to him. The advisor assassin slammed back a drink. Then he poured another shot of amber liquid and swirled it, slowly and decisively judgmental. The scent of pear brandy did little to nothing to distract Gladio from the fact that this was a kitchen, more importantly Ignis kitchen and it was probably stock full of very sharp, very long knives, crème burlee burners with adjustable flames and cake cutters that left really embarrassing marks on a person when they ‘accidently’ sat on them because you’d made the mistake of thinking you’d get away with having breakfast in only your undies.   
   
“Um. Hi, Iggy.” Not even an Elexir would have sobered him up this fast, there was the bright side.   
   
”Well.” The full force of Sarcastically Raised Eyebrows and Passive Aggressive Drawl made Gladio flinch once more. “Look what the coerl dragged in.”  
   
“Ah, you know, why don’t I just sleep on the couch tonight….” Gladio was interrupted, or rather blatantly ignored.   
   
“So tell me, darling, when I sit down tomorrow morning with a nice can of Ebony, and I open the paper, what kind of mess will I be reading about in the Crown City, initiated by our very own?”  
   
Ah shit, Ignis was already breaking out the sardonic endearments? That was like going to DEFCON 4 straight away.  
   
“Babe, I promise….”  
   
“Because last time you went missing for more than half the night, someone glued Garula horns to the Crystal.” Ignis slammed the drink and poured himself another generous amount.   
   
Gladio winced. Bringing up past offences? DEFCON 3, alert all troops, exchange radiosignals to secret codes.   
   
Which reminded him to text Cor and have him remove the voretooth spines from the royal throne as soon as he got a chance. Certainly before King Regis sat on them. Again.   
   
“And the time before that,” Ignis continued with merciless cruelty for all that his eyes were having difficulties to focus on Gladio, either that or there was some kind of insect flying around the room that he was yelling at instead of his mortified husband.   
   
Not very likely. Damn, how much had he drunk? Gladio glanced at the bottle of pear brandy – a gift from his Majesty himself, old vintage, ignis guarded it like a dragon and only brought it out at special occasions such as anniversaries or when he managed to trick Noct into eating vegetables. He was slightly terrified to realize it was almost two thirds gone which meant he was most likely the most sober person in the room. A terrible, terrible thought as the liquor he himself had consumed was doing its best to try to escape, and wasn’t picky about in which direction.   
   
“How am I supposed to raise the children all by myself while you are out gallivanting through Lucis, getting a bad reputation?!” Ignis wailed in utter despair. “There is mouths needing to be fed and bodies needing to be clothed and how will I ever manage to marry of any of our sons if their father has such a bad reputation?! What honorable ladies would even consider marrying the offspring of such a lout?!”  
   
“…What?!” Completely taken off guard, Gladio fumbled for words to explain that 1) he wasn’t the father of neither Noct nor Prompto and that they only lived with him and Ignis because King Regis thought it was an excellent way of getting the two troublemakers off of his ass and 2) women from all over the world lined up to marry the sulky prince and the kind of women Prompto liked were many things but not exactly honorable and 3) the woman who was already supposed to marry Noct had laughed her ass of the last time King Regis had sat on voretooth spines.   
   
He didn’t get that far. Ignis, fueled by spectacular amounts of brandy, was in full snit. He even managed to focus on Gladio for a full five seconds, borne on the awesome power of righteous anger and put-upon spouse.   
   
“Are you cheating on me?” he hissed, which was, and fuck DEFCON 2, going straight into nuclear war as far as Gladio was concerned.   
   
“I would never! I love you – and the children – far too much for that!”  
   
But Ignis wasn’t even listening. His lower lip had started wobbling .  
   
“You don’t love me! You just married me for Nocts allowance, so you can spend your time drinking and cheating with your friends. Well,” changing emotional track again, and with such speed that Gladio got a mental whiplash, “ I have news for you, darling, we can’t live of that dowry forever!”  
   
Gladio wanted to once more protest that, well, they probably could live of a prince’s allowance for pretty much forever, that was kind of the point,  but he was by now pretty well convinced that logic wasn’t the way to get through to Ignis right now.   
   
“Love, you know I think you are the most beautiful man in the world, that I would do anything for that look of happiness in your green eyes.” Hah. There, that ought to fix it.   
   
Ignis stared at him.   
   
“You married me for my looks?!” He snarled.   
   
Ah, shit shit shit shit.   
   
“No. I mean, yes. I mean….”  
   
“I have news for you, my love, looks fade! And when I am old and ugly you will go cheat on me for some green eyed young tart and….” He suddenly stopped himself and those beautiful green eyes because dangerously narrow. “What color is Cor’s eyes?!”  
   
What. How. Gladio could not.   
   
“He is almost twice as old as you!”   
   
“So that’s how you want them?! Rugged and manly? Am I just too delicate for you?” Said the man who could plow through an army of Magitechs like a lawn mower through a field. Ignis got to his feet, wobbling like a telegraph pole during an Admantois rumble. “Well, I will have you know Mister Amicitia that from the first moment I met you, your arrogance and conceit, your selfish disdain for the feelings of others made me realize that you were the last man in the world I would marry!”   
   
Gladio wanted to point out that they were, in fact, already married, but Ignis chose that exact moment to pass out and he had to run and catch him before he cracked his head open on the kitchen counter. He managed to get him up bridal style, which wasn’t easy with such long legs dangling and started to, swearing under his breath, hoist him up to their shared bed room when a door cracked open and Noctis peered out.   
   
Ah, shit. How much had the kids heard of their little….domestic?  
   
“He’s been watching Jean Austin when you were out,” Noctis said with a nod to the dead-to-the world assassin advisor. “The whole series. And several of the movies, to.”  
   
“That explains the Pride and Prejudice crap.” Gladio grunted.  
   
“Can you blame him? What if Prom and I have to run off with some Crownsguard officers in lieu of a proper marriage?” Noctis snickered. “What with our father setting such a bad example. Ignis would die of shame, you know. He can’t even get a decent dowry of us, if you keep spending it on women, wine and song? Or should I say, Immortals, vodka and brawling?”  
   
“Oh Noct, I shall be forced to become a teacher for little boys who do not wish to learn!” Suddenly Prompto peered out from beside the prince, and swooned prettily into his arms which dissolved them both into laughter.  
   
“Get your asses to bed,” Gladio growled, hating everything.    
   
   
Ignis woke the next morning with a massive headache, a very unsteady stomach and the grace of a beached whale, and as expected, Gladio was not there next to him in marriage bliss.   
   
Groaning, he reached for his glasses on the bedside table, feeling decisively  little unsteady and with a sudden understanding of Noctis aversion to vegetables; he personally never wanted to see a pear again in his life.  
   
Instead he knocked something over that wasn’t usually there and screamed like a cat when an avalanche of water and roses fell over him, complete with a rather fancy and damn heavy crystal vase.  
   
Suddenly very awake and almost sober he managed, through dripping glasses, to read the note attached to the flowers.   
   
My beloved husband,  
   
Please forgive me for letting you down with raising the children.   
   
Be assured that I love you and only you, and would never leave you for anyone, not even a green eyed young Cor.   
   
My heart is yours and only yours,  
   
Gladio  
   
   
To the end of his days, Ignis would claim that the reason for his answer to the most romantic note he had ever received, was a combination of a massive hungover and being surrounded by very thorny roses and almost two liters of water.   
   
“GLAAAAADIO!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO DROWN ME SO YOU CAN TAKE MY MONEY AND RUN OFF WITH COR?!”  
 


End file.
